week of fifteen july

July 22, 2012

sunday:

not sure when my day starts or how it ends to find myself waking up the next morning deciding between the blue a-line skirt or the black high waist pants. i keep on catching my mind in the middle of a wandering thought, with no reason and intention. suddenly my legs stand up and walk out the door. where are they taking me? later i find myself sipping a tall skinny cappuccino looking out a window. nothing much happens. nothing ever happens. i’m awake now trying on the blue a-line skirt. i hear a crowd laughing in a distant memory, glass clinking and voices rising. faces are fading again, as if they were never here. were they ever here?

monday: 

words escape me; refuse to form sentences and let me scream. are they shy, or perhaps intimated?  they are no longer willing to paint me a picture, or take me on a journey. they just lay there unconscious and stranger to my thoughts. i demand of them to belong to me, to be my own. I want them to strip my soul and set my thoughts free. i want them to challenge me and call my bluff. i want them to bring out the best of me and the worst of me. instead thoughts remain thoughts, screeching only to me. should i accept that words may have found a better story to tell, a reckless mind to tickle? the truth is i have been here before*, or so vaguely i now remember.

tuesday:

i’m scared of now. i’m scared of here. controlling my thoughts, repressing my emotions, censoring my mind, i’m sitting here barely keeping up with my racing heart beats. the heart never lies, it however aches. i’m sitting here waiting for me to speak up. i want to hear my voice, loud and free. i want to write down my mistakes shred them to pieces and forgive me. i want to admit my regrets and describe my failures. i want to hear me say i’m scared. i’m scared of today.

wednesday

yesterday was beautiful. yesterday was perfect, yesterday i sang, and danced. yesterday i laughed and loved.

thursday:

tomorrow everything will be alright.  i will wake up put on the black high waist pants and look out that window again.

*wrote a similar entry in october 2011, but did not publish it

blue suede shoes

March 16, 2011

in a room of black suits i was in blue. thats how its been like since i set out to be. thats how its been like since i ever remember. thats how its been like since i started crawling, talking and writing. so yesterday was no different from any other day of my living years on planet earth. i am sure this is my first life. i am pretty sure i will be in blue in my next life too. many many years ago i decided who i wanted to be. what i would stand for. and what i will go after.  to be free. to be happy. to be in love. so many things dont mean anything to me. so little things do. i dont have a list of favourite movies. the best ice cream flavours. the top ten must see cities. what i know instead is that now i am closer to my tomorrow than my yesterday. what i do instead is assert my existence.  what i foster instead are the fantasies of my realities.

Pinky: Gee, Brain, what do you want to do tonight?
Brain: The same thing we do every night, try to take over the world!

chasing words

March 13, 2011

intimidated i am by this white screen.  over 140 characters from me it expects. words are shy to be typed, full and complete sentences are nowhere to be found. we are being driven by the speed and volatility of elevator pitches, 30 seconds speeches, text and bb messages. these pages were long left blank as i drifted away chasing a minute made reality. in the midst of it all, my words i lost. my thoughts i dimmed. drunk i still get by the aroma of the written pages. rebellious i still become with every thought unleashed. silence i can no longer hear. blackout i can no longer see.  got tired of the same drums sounds. all hitting the same note. a cappella  i will perform. miss the tune. miss the beat. miss the clap.  but never miss my words again.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Mark Twain

tell me

April 16, 2007

take me…
“fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars..let me see what spring is like on jupiter and mars..in other words hold my hand..in other words darling kiss me”

know me…

“the virgin is the one whose search springs from her complete independence, and everything she learns is the fruit of her ability to face challenges alone..the witch justifies her existence by going in search of complete and limitless pleasure”

love me
“get high with me..come touch the sky with me..see life with new eyes with me”

the red nose blondy

April 11, 2007

i is sick today. i was sick yesterday too. i can barely breathe. not able to function. i decided to write one post a day. everyday. so this is today’s post. dedicated to me. the blondy with the red nose. i cant lead a sleigh. but i will light your way. follow me and you will get there. one way or another you will be free. fly away little butterfly. spread your wings and aim high. for tomorrow you will die.

the witch of portobello

April 10, 2007

we were introduced in winter of 2002. when i reached for him. would not let go. i was fragile to his words. hopeless to his charm. captive in his world. holding him day after night. inhaling his power. exhaling my weakness. i was his forever…at the end. the day had come. his story had been told. his hero had survived. i had to let go. 5 years would have to pass. yesterday would have to come. a twist in fate would have to be done. so i would meet him in person. his name i would scream. “stay” i would shout. two hours of waiting would have to pass. our eyes to lock. our smiles to shine. “love” he would write. next to my name he would sign. his hands i would touch. his voice i would hear. his face i would see. “my books are for all people looking to find their own path in life” he said. what magic would come along with him? now that our paths have crossed. now that he is no longer a voice in my head. he is an image in my life.

footnote: brazilian author paulo coelho was in dubai yesterday to promote his latest book the witch of portobello. more than 500 people were squeezing their way in to the tiny bookstore to get a personalized signed book. i waited in line for more than two hours. i even got stepped on. but i did it.  i got his signature. it was a good adventure. something to remember. he is my favourite author in the whole wide world.

the end.

break out

April 9, 2007

break away from the pack. set out to rule your empire. all alone. leave behind what you want not. bring along what you need may. never look back to what has been. seek ahead to what shall be. what has been once will never be again. what you were might be forgotten. red blood will flow again. strong bones will grow again. you will stand tall again. not before you crawl and fall. not before you tear and break. you will see the sun again. the heat will burn your face again. you will smile to rain again. the cold will ice your toes again. ..now look back and then up again. praise the Lord for what has been. for yesterday. for today. for tomorrow.

show me the money

February 28, 2007

i just cashed my first paycheck. i didn’t get a full salary. i was paid only 30% cause i only worked less than 2 full weeks this month. my current 30% was my full 100% salary in 2002. and in 2000 it was barely 2 months pay.  my full monthly income will also be 50% more than my monthly income in 2006, extra large LV Manhattan bag here comes mommy.

technology murder

February 20, 2007

this morning my virgin notebook died on me. my 1st day in the office i was presented with a brand new shiny IBM/Lenovo laptop. with a fresh hardware smell and never before touched keypad. i unwrapped it from the box and set it up nicely on my desk. this baby was home. this morning i came to the office and before i had the chance to greet her good morning she goes into technical shock. poor baby. she didn’t yet justify her manufacturing cost. i’ve been on the phone with UK with our techy-s, and they are having a hard time reviving her. they juiced her with update ivy. pumped her with anti virus dosages but shes still not 100% responsive. oh the poor thing!!!

employee of the month

February 19, 2007

after 12 weeks of mental and physical vegetation i got up yesterday put on my brown suit hugged my new LV handbag hopped in my designer shoes and stepped right into my new office-building elevator. right up to the 13th floor. being addicted to 9 to 6 work routine the past 12 weeks felt more like 12 months. 4 months in beirut praying for a drop pf rain and a cold breeze. 8 months in dubai praying for shelter from rainstorms and the freezing winds. decorating the house. picking up the pieces of a long forgotten gym schedule. shopping till my savings run dry. hiring my 1st full time employee, live in house help. now im back to the field. grabbing my one minute glory. sweating for my one minute fortune. giving my days to get back a future.