week of fifteen july


not sure when my day starts or how it ends to find myself waking up the next morning deciding between the blue a-line skirt or the black high waist pants. i keep on catching my mind in the middle of a wandering thought, with no reason and intention. suddenly my legs stand up and walk out the door. where are they taking me? later i find myself sipping a tall skinny cappuccino looking out a window. nothing much happens. nothing ever happens. i’m awake now trying on the blue a-line skirt. i hear a crowd laughing in a distant memory, glass clinking and voices rising. faces are fading again, as if they were never here. were they ever here?


words escape me; refuse to form sentences and let me scream. are they shy, or perhaps intimated?  they are no longer willing to paint me a picture, or take me on a journey. they just lay there unconscious and stranger to my thoughts. i demand of them to belong to me, to be my own. I want them to strip my soul and set my thoughts free. i want them to challenge me and call my bluff. i want them to bring out the best of me and the worst of me. instead thoughts remain thoughts, screeching only to me. should i accept that words may have found a better story to tell, a reckless mind to tickle? the truth is i have been here before*, or so vaguely i now remember.


i’m scared of now. i’m scared of here. controlling my thoughts, repressing my emotions, censoring my mind, i’m sitting here barely keeping up with my racing heart beats. the heart never lies, it however aches. i’m sitting here waiting for me to speak up. i want to hear my voice, loud and free. i want to write down my mistakes shred them to pieces and forgive me. i want to admit my regrets and describe my failures. i want to hear me say i’m scared. i’m scared of today.


yesterday was beautiful. yesterday was perfect, yesterday i sang, and danced. yesterday i laughed and loved.


tomorrow everything will be alright.  i will wake up put on the black high waist pants and look out that window again.

*wrote a similar entry in october 2011, but did not publish it


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